Working With Realms

Many years ago a wise friend and Tibetan Buddhist practitioner taught me about the concept of realms in everyday human life. While Buddhist thought and iconography posits many different realms or worlds of existence, she used the term to describe a specific state of being that comes when we are overwhelmed by our lives. In these times we ‘fall into a realm’ in which our normal functioning is overtaken by strong emotion. The neuro-scientific language, we could say the pre-frontal cortex, the seat of reason, is hijacked by the amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotion.

Realms are quite common for most of us; especially these days. The continued stress and uncertainty of the pandemic leave us all more vulnerable to these states of anger, anxiety, discouragement and despair. Realms are not bad, but they are quite uncomfortable and can be difficult to manage. Though you cannot force your way out of a realm, it can be useful to at least know where you are when you feel lost and hopeless. Let me try to explain.

Almost all of us have times when life feels like it is more than we can bear. We find ourselves in situations that feel impossible. We have tried our best and failed. There is no way out. We feel powerless. These feelings might arise from a situation at work or from an intimate relationship at home. It might be triggered by something someone says to you or something you read in the newspaper. Intense discouragement, anger and despair are all signs that we might be in a realm.

Realms often happen quickly. We may be feeling fine, then all of the sudden we’re lost in powerful feelings that seem to have come out of nowhere. It’s as if we were walking down a street minding our own business and we fall down a manhole where the cover has been left off. Suddenly we’re in dank darkness and we have no idea how we got there.

While it sounds quite dramatic, it’s actually hard to know that we are in a realm.

Realms are perfectly self-justifying and autistic. When you are in a realm, you are caught in a self-reinforcing view of reality. Your distorted view perfectly shapes all your perception to verify itself. No new information gets in or gets out.

When someone is in a realm of discouragement, you may be tempted to give them a pep talk – to explain to them all the possibilities of their life and their situation. Rarely will this be helpful. (You may have noticed this from personal experience.) For every thing you say, they will have a counter-example that proves otherwise. Likewise, when you realize you are in a realm and try to talk yourself out of a realm; nothing happens. Realms are not reasonable places.

Realms are a naturally occurring circuit breaker that disconnects us from reality. It’s like all our circuits are overloaded and they all shut down at once. When it is too much, reasonable functioning shuts down and we retreat into the seeming safety of our own private world. While it’s rarely pleasant, it does serve the function of isolating us until we can return to our senses.

The good news, however, is that realms are self-releasing. These states of emotional overwhelm have their own duration and naturally find their own ending. When you, or your partner or friend are caught in a realm, you can rely on the fact that it won’t last forever. At some point, you will be released.

Realms are difficult to manage. While caught in a realm we can say and do things that are hurtful and even damaging to ourselves and to the people around us. We are tempted to act out our worst impulses of greed, anger and ignorance while feeling quite righteous and self-justified. Not a pretty sight.

So what can we do when we are find ourselves lost in a realm? How do we behave so as to do as little damage as possible to ourselves or others? Or perhaps even learn from the experience?

While our options from within a realm are quite limited, it can be enormously helpful to at least recognize we are in a realm. We each have our own particular ‘tells’ – particular things we do or experience that we come to recognize as indicators that we have lost our reason and are in a realm. For me, there is a familiar quality of discouragement and aloneness that I begin to sense. For you it may be a heaviness or a quality of anger that is familiar.   Or something else.

If you know or suspect you are in a realm, patience is your friend. Doing nothing is a powerful antidote to this intense emotional place. Being kind to yourself is also a good strategy. Blaming yourself or others for your realm is not helpful. Realms are part of the functioning of normal human beings. No need to panic. Remember that it doesn’t help to try to force your way out.

Curiosity is also a wonderful, though difficult to summon, tool. While in a realm, can you notice what it is like? What is there here I have never noticed before? What is this place really like? What can I learn while I’m stuck here?

Personal Practice: Pay attention to your moods today. Can you notice the small irritations that arise for you throughout the day? What disturbs you? What happens inside you when you are irritated? And if you’re lucky enough to be really disturbed today, can you notice what it’s like to be overcome with negative emotion? What is it like for you when you are in a realm? What do you notice? How long does it last? Anything you learn will be helpful.