Two Questions

1. What do I want?
2. What do I really want?

I spend a lot of time asking questions—not because I know the answers, but because part of my role as teacher and life-coach is to invite people into the possibilities of their own lives. These possibilities dance before us. Sometimes quite clear, sometimes shrouded by fog, and sometimes fully obscured. Yet, we all long for something and this longing is an important resource in creating and sustaining a full and authentic life.

Even in the midst of abundance and seeming ease, there is often a disturbance—sometimes just barely discernable and other times almost overwhelming. We all face the inevitable changes of growing up and growing old. Our friends and partner change. People come and go without warning—and even when we are forewarned, still the parting still surprises and shocks. Amidst these changes, we must ask again: ‘What shall I do?’ ‘Where shall I go?’ ‘Which path shall I choose?’ Sometimes the answers are quite clear but other times it’s hard to know which path to take. Or, if the direction is clear, how to we find the energy and courage needed to follow?

In these cases when things are confusing and we really don’t know, I find these two questions of great use. They are not magic potions to straighten out all the tangles of the moment, but they can allow us to settle into where we are and connect to some deeper intention that can both guide us and provide the courage to take the next step.

First question: What do I want? This is a question that we are often encouraged to ignore. We might feel that everything in our life is set and we have no options. Or we’ve been taught that we must be ‘realistic’ and that ‘dreaming’ is a waste of time. It is true that there are many things in our lives that are unchangeable. We can’t undo anything that has already happened. What we have done, what others have done cannot be undone. We can’t be anyone other than who we are. But ‘what has happened’ and ‘who we are’ is actually much more malleable than it first appears. Past, present and future all arise in this moment and are all shape-shifting constantly. The feeling-tone and the story that feels overwhelming at one moment can change in a heartbeat—can intensify, can vanish, can become something altogether new.

So the first question, What do I want?, is an invitation to stop trying to solve problems or to assign proportionate blame or even tell new stories. What do I want? focuses our attention inward. You may have clear answers for this question or you may have never given yourself permission to ask. Either way, it is a useful question because we all want something.

Now the Buddha taught that wanting is the source of our suffering. But the solution to this is not to pretend that we don’t want anything, but rather to clarify the wanting itself. Because the Buddha also taught that suffering is an unavoidable and essential part of life. Suffering, the discomfort and even the agony of life, are, paradoxically, the entry points into a larger life of freedom and connection.

So ask yourself: What do I want? Allow yourself to be selfish and want what you want. Don’t judge yourself or censor yourself. What do I want?

Then ask the second question: What do I really want? Another way of putting it: If I got what I wanted, what would that give me? If I had a comfortable cottage on the coast of Maine, what would that give me? I might answer ‘I’d be able to sit and look out the window and see the ocean.’ Then ask again, What would that give me? Keep asking this question until you get the same answer over and over. This is what you truly want.

We often imagine what we want is a particular set of circumstances. I want my body to be like this or my finances to be like that or my relationships to appear in this configuration—then I will be happy. But when we look deeper, we can begin to discern that our true longing is for something deeper. The surface configuration of our lives, while important, turns out to have not nearly as much to do with our happiness as we might imagine. Money, fame, even relationships cannot bring us what we truly want.

Next time you come to a decision point or are feeling disconnected or lost, try asking these questions and see where they lead. You may be surprised.