The Possibilities Unfixable Problems

A friend of mine once told me there are three kinds of problems in long-term relationships. First there are the ones that you solve together effortlessly and hardly notice you’ve solved anything. Second, there are the problems that require joint effort, but after some time yield solutions—we can feel justifiable pride in our working together to bring these issues to conclusion. Finally, there are the problems that you never solve—they come back again and again and you can never quite seem to resolve them. These are the perpetual issues of the relationship. My friend said that not only are these insoluble, these ongoing issues present in every relationship are the bridges to intimacy.

I distinctly remember hearing this framework with relief and puzzlement. I was aware of these categories in all my relationships – with my wife, with other family members, with colleagues and with myself. There are always areas of easeful functioning, some places of working hard together to work out differences and then there are the ongoing points of tension that don’t ever get really solved or figured out. I was relieved to hear that these ongoing difficulties are not simply a failure on my part, but are inherent in the nature of relationships.

I was surprised, however, to hear that these insoluble issues are (or can be) bridges to intimacy. I’ve never quite understood what that meant but the very least it encourages me to hold ongoing problems in a new light. What if the problem is not a problem? What if the ongoing tension, at whatever level, is not something to be fixed, but something to be explored and wondered about—a path to deeper understanding and connection? What if there is something going on that is mysterious and interesting rather than annoying and problematic?

Ongoing issues in relationships rise and fall in their intensity and in their purported meaning. Sometimes the fact that I like to leave five minutes early and you like to leave on time is only a minor irritant that I can easily adjust to. Sometimes it is the incontrovertible evidence that you never really respected me and we should never have gotten together in the first place.

The longest (and most problematic) relationship we have is, of course, with ourselves. We all contain many different selves and often have quite stormy relationships within ourselves. Like any relationship, some things we do quite well, some things we have to work hard to manage, and some things get us tangled up again and again. What if these unfixable parts of ourselves are essential and can lead us to deeper wisdom and intimacy?

In Zen, we sometimes put it this way: Our miserable karma becomes our wonderful dharma. Karma is a way of talking about the innumerable currents of the life in which we find ourselves. Our current situation, our personality, our strengths and weaknesses—all of this is just what it is—our karma. We can protest our situation and call it miserable and problematic, but whatever the circumstances in which you find yourself as you read this, this is who and where you are. Dharma refers to the teachings or the Way. It can mean formal Buddhist teachings, but on a deeper level dharma points to the revelations of life itself, in whatever form they arise.

Our miserable karma becomes our wonderful dharma encourages us to hold our problems, especially the ones that come back again and again in a new way. That the unsolvable problems of a relationship are the bridges to intimacy is a similar teaching of the possibility of transformation.

All of this presupposes only one essential skill for relationships and for life: the skill of STAYING. To cross the bridge, to find intimacy requires staying in the fire of discomfort—requires hanging around long enough to allow something else to happen. Staying is a skill that does not mean just being physically present, but being wholeheartedly present—turning again and again toward that which is hard to be with.

Personal Practice – Notice places of irritation and judgment that arise today – toward yourself and toward others. (This in itself is an extremely difficult assignment as irritation and judgment arise so constantly that they appear just to be part of the world rather than mind-states that arise within us.) When you are able to catch the rising irritation and/or judgment, take a moment to notice what it is like for you. What are the thoughts? What are the sensations in the body? What feelings arise? Then (and this is the really hard part), just do nothing. Stay in the place without trying to fix or push away or get through anything. Notice what happens.