Reaching Across the Divide (just a little)

I had my first political discussion with someone who voted for Trump yesterday. I’m not proud that it’s taken me a month to even begin to make connection with ‘those people.’ It’s partly living in the liberal republic of Massachusetts, partly the wisdom of not wanting to increase the divide through anger and blame, and partly a symptom of the social isolation endemic in our country. Personal choices of media and friends that agree with us are supported by the unconscious social structures of privilege, race and wealth. We are spared and deprived of the disturbance of connecting with people who see the world differently.

I suppose it has always been like this. For many ancient peoples, the word for their tribe was also the word for ‘human being.’ In our early history, nearly all of our time was spent in our tribe. Our identification with our tribe was a key to our survival. The idea of having multiple truths or of needing to be in relationship with people who didn’t share our views was mainly irrelevant to the urgent task of getting by.

But back to my conversation. I didn’t know for sure that my friend had voted for Trump. She had said earlier in the election that though she was a long-time Republican, she couldn’t bring herself to vote for Trump. But, given the election results, I suspected her resolve might have shifted. Unconsciously, I also picked her because she is a member of many of my ‘tribes.’ She is highly educated, about my my age, a teacher, and (probably most importantly) she is an enneagram nine.

The enneagram is a personality typing system that says it can be helpful to group people into nine different categories that describe their basic relationship to the world. Of course we are all so much more, but it does seem true that we all have natural tendencies that appear in many of our interactions. All the nine types are equal and necessary. Though I am just an enneagram dabbler, I have sometimes found it helpful to remember that even within our tribe of the moment, all human beings see the world through radically different lenses.

Both my friend and I are enneagram nines. Nines are mediators and peacemakers. We just want people to get along. We don’t like conflict and are willing to do what we can to accommodate different perspectives in service of keeping the peace. In short, a perfect person to select for my first conversation with ‘the other side.’

Our conversation was rich and rewarding. We touched lightly on our different perspectives prior to the election, but focused more on current hopes and concerns. When I asked her to reassure me that this wasn’t an unmitigated disaster, she said: “Well, at least we’ll have some big change.” I had heard this before. Many who voted for Trump did not vote in favor of his bigotry and lying, but rather voted for the need for a radical change in the country.

My friend also spoke of her growing awareness of how many voices in our country are not heard, of the black minister of her church in the south who spoke of getting pulled over while driving on the highway for no other apparent reason than the color of her skin. She shared her concern for the small but visible radical fringe that has been emboldened by Trump and how reasonable people needed to stand up to violations of rights and respect.

We didn’t push deeply into the areas of difference. We reaffirmed our mutual respect and long-time relationship. But perhaps more importantly, I think we inspired each other to stand up to institutions and practices that are closed and disrespectful to ‘others.’

I know there are many more conversations required of me and not all of them will be so safe and accommodating. But for me, this was a good first step.  How about for you?