On the Positive Function of Shame

The great Japanese Zen Master Hakuin taught that shame is one of the necessary conditions for progressing on the spiritual path. I have often been bothered and puzzled by this teaching. Shame is such a painful emotional state that seems to leads to a state of fear that narrows our lives and inhibits our growth. So what is the positive function of shame?

I think it has to do with our perpetual human blindness. We are naturally subject to greed, anger and ignorance. Though most everyone I know has good intentions, we all do things, sometimes terrible things, that hurt each other. The history of humanity is filled with ruthless violence. We humans act collectively through armies, laws and police power to subjugate and violate other groups of humans we see as different or lesser. And these systemic acts of violence are most often carried out under the delusion of high ideals – a perfect society, a democracy, God’s true and perfect kingdom.

Each one of us, though we have most likely not killed or physically beat someone personally, is inconsistent, blind and defensive. We don’t always act in alignment with what we know to be true. And when we realize that we are in the wrong, our first impulse is to deny, attack or simply disappear.

From this perspective, shame is what arises when we come face-to-face with the pain we have caused by our blindness or by our willful acting out of our worst impulses. We feel our natural human connection to the people we have hurt and we see how our actions have hurt others we truly care about. If we are lucky, we feel shame and remorse.

Shame and remorse are a power that can allow us to transform some part of our ancient habits of self-centeredness and separation. These impulses of greed, anger and ignorance keep us locked in a world of delusion. The little self that asserts its fundamental independence from others is painfully misguided. Pretending to be autonomous, it rejects its place in the mutuality of all life and lives in fear and endless struggle. Though it can be very painful to wake up to the degree of our self-delusion, it is the only path toward a life of connection and true freedom.

For me, these moments of shameful realization often feel like a kind of death. This is the necessary death that is an ongoing part of growing in love and understanding. When confronted with the unskillfulness and meanness of our actions, we realize that we are not the good and perfect person we wish to be. The death of this image of ourselves is very painful. Our old certainties of the moral high ground and specialness are stripped away. It is this dying of the old self that creates the space for transformation and true change.

Shame is part of the process of waking up. I don’t like it one bit, but I am learning to accept it and trust its power. I can’t fix it or fix me or fix anyone. But if I can stay still and keep my eyes open long enough, shame has the power to help me move toward my true place in this wondrous, confusing and precious world.

Personal Practice – How does shame operate in your life? What have you done and do you do that you most regret? What embarrasses you most about yourself? Can you explore these areas without trying to fix yourself or others? When you turn to these places, is it possible to simply feel the shame or regret without falling into despair or self-justification? Go gently and see if it can be enough just to bring compassionate awareness to these areas.