On the Importance of Wanting

A friend recently made a distinction for me between the two questions: What do I want? and What do I really want? These are both interesting and important questions—questions that have the power to help us align our lives and actions with what is most deeply true for us.

What do I want? is a question that turns our attention inward. Many of us were taught that our focus should be on the needs and wants of the people around us. Focusing on ourselves is egotistical and selfish. Being a good person means helping the people around us happy so that we can be happy. Or we learned to be aware of what others want so we can act strategically to move toward our desired outcome. Either way (and these two approaches are more similar than they appear on the surface), the focus is on the actions and feelings of others.

What do I want? turns the focus to the one person who is often ignored—me. Byron Katie writes about three kinds of business: my business, your business and God’s business. My business is everything I feel, think and do. Your business is everything you think, feel and do. God’s business is everything else. Katie points out that we make ourselves unhappy when we spend time in anything other than our own business. When I focus on what I think you should do or say, or how others should behave, I am setting myself up for disappointment. And when I spend time in your business or God’s business, I get lonely because I’ve abandoned myself.

What do I want? brings me back into the equation. It contradicts the common gremlin that we should not think about ourselves or our own needs. Not being aware of our needs and desires in any situation leaves us in the position of dependence. We outsource our self-care others then get upset when they don’t give us what we want and need. This dependence on other’s mind-reading is a set-up for frustration, resentment and unhappiness.

However, being aware of our immediate needs and wants is only part of any given situation. What do I really want? is a question that has the potential to bring us to another level of awareness. As humans, our wants and needs are endless. I want a cup of coffee. I want a new plant for the garden. I want to write another book. I want to be a famous author. Fulfilling our proximal needs may lead to an immediate sense of relief and accomplishment, but the initial thrill quickly passes and we’re back to desiring the next thing.

I’m reminded of a friend who had his heart set on getting a house on the coast of Maine. I asked him what a house on the coast would give him. He said it would give him a great view of the ocean in its changing seasons. Being a life-coach, I asked him again what that would give him. He paused for a moment, then said that would give him a sense of the beauty of the world. When I repeated my question a third time, he got really quiet and said ‘a sense of inner serenity.’ I pointed out that many people have wonderful houses on the coast of Maine and do not, as far as I can tell, have a sense of inner serenity.

What my friend really wanted was inner serenity. Asking the question What do I really want? can be a way to take us beyond our desires and demands of the moment into a deeper realm of true intention. As long as we’re acting without awareness of what it is we really want, any fulfillment we encounter will be fleeting.

It’s not that personal dreams and goals are bad, but rather that when we know what we really want, we can focus on that even as we take steps toward specific and concrete objectives. Going back to my friend, if what he really wants is inner serenity, then he can practice that wherever he is – whether he is still in Ohio or looking at real estate in Maine.

The things we want most are rarely contingent upon external circumstances. What is it that you really want? What would it be like to hold this question with you as you move through your day today?