On Not Giving Advice

One of the first things I was taught in my life-coach training many years ago was how not to give advice. This was called ‘self-management’. The theory is that human beings are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. They don’t need me to solve their problems. In fact, if I solve other peoples’ problems, that’s a problem.

I learned this as a leader as well. If someone comes to me with a problem and I, with my vast resources of experience, creativity and intelligence, solve their problem, then what they learn is that when they encountered a problem, they should come to me. While this may be flattering and fun for me, does not empower other people to tap into their own vast resource of experience, creativity and intelligence. It is, however, a subtle seduction—to be the one with insight—the one who can make things better.

It’s similar to being a life-coach. People don’t need my wisdom or insight, they need their own. My job not to give good advice or dispense wisdom but to empower people to take action that is aligned with what is most deeply alive in them. In this formula, the two parts, action and deep aliveness, are not separate.

Before my coach training, I had always been able to have meaningful conversations with people. I have always been interested in exploring what other people think and feel. But learning to be a coach was about the critical step of taking feelings and intentions into action. It is only in action that we learn what it is we truly believe and what we truly want.

‘You can’t steer a parked car.’ I don’t know where I first heard this, but it perfectly captures the process of life and learning. Of course we all wonder ‘Who am I?’ and ‘What is important to do?’ These are wonderful and life-long inquiries. The only meaningful answers are in action itself. Until the car is moving, all the fiddling you do with the steering wheel is pointless.

Fulfillment is not a destination, but is the ongoing activity of acting in alignment with our deepest values. This is the bad news and the good news. The bad news is there is no permanent resolution to the discomfort of being human. There is no solution—not enough money or security or adulation or insight to finally put to rest our basic anxieties of separation and death.

But the good news is that if fulfillment is acting in alignment with what is most deeply true, then, at any moment, we can find fulfillment. From this perspective, problems are not problems. Or rather, the point of problems is not just about finding solutions, but about using problems as access points into our own creativity, resourcefulness and wholeness.

While we can be helpful and share our experience with others, this is not nearly as powerful as helping others tap into their own resources. In the middle of a problem, we often think that the problem is the problem. Stepping back just a little, we can see that life is just a series of problematic situations. Once you find your way through this situation, you will just find yourself in the next. Like the cartoon of the billboard in the middle of the vast openness of the great plains that reads ‘One darn thing after another for the next 800 miles.’ This is often our experience of human life.

But what if our current problems and issues are an opportunity rather than things we had to work hard to ‘solve?’ What if you don’t need good advice, but need to learn to trust your untapped creativity and resourcefulness? What if you can relax and enjoy the answers and solutions that arise both from within you and within others? What if the problems you have are exactly what you need to learn and grow and have a fulfilling life?

Personal Practice – The next time someone close to you is struggling with a problem, see if you can appreciate rather than try to solve their problem. This is not to be cavalier and dismiss their struggle, but rather to have faith in their innate capacities, even if they don’t. OK to sympathize and to be kind. But rather than take on the problem yourself, be curious about how this problem is part of their path and about how they will tap their own inner resources to find their way through.

Extra credit: Try this with yourself.