No Comes Before Yes

Yesterday I ended my writing with a list of questions from Peter Block’s book The Answer to How is Yes: Acting on What Matters. This is another one of those books that has the power to change your life. Block writes in detail about the possibility of living a life based on a deep alignment with our hearts. We enter into a life of freedom when we commit to that which is most important. This commitment does not come after we have figured out how to do it or know what the outcome will be.

The decision to act on what matters comes out of considering the questions Block lists under the heading YES IS THE RIGHT QUESTION.

What refusal have I been postponing?
What commitment am I willing to make?
What is the price I am willing to pay?
What is my contribution to the problem I am concerned with?
What is the crossroad at which I find myself at this point in my life/work?
What is the question that, if I had the answer, would set me free?

First of all I have to say that I love this as a heading for a list. It is grammatically and reasonably incorrect. ‘Yes’ is not a question. How could it be the ‘right question?’ YES IS THE RIGHT QUESTION, causes both a sense of confusion and a sense of possibility within me. It takes me out of careful reasoning and invites me into another realm of thinking and being.

This heading comes after his previous list of questions: HOW IS THE WRONG QUESTION. Perhaps these two headings and the title of the book are enough to convey his essential encouragement—to live a life of meaning and action. Block points us toward a life that is oriented beyond figuring things out and working hard—a life that springs not from calculation and planning but from deep dreaming and creative engagement. It is not a life of pleasing other people and making sure we have everything under control. Acting on what matters requires much and guarantees little.

As Block discusses the first question ‘What refusal have I been postponing?’ he refers to the great psychologist Carl Jung who ‘stated that all consciousness begins with an act of disobedience.’ I love that he begins his invitation to act on what matters with refusals and disobedience.

My grandson, who is a little over a year and a half old, is now practicing this kind of creative disobedience. His favorite word is ‘No.’ And, unless you happen to be his parent and have to deal with it all the time, it is incredibly cute. He is beginning to realize he has an inner life. He does not want more banana and does want more cheese. Sometimes his seeming pleasure in saying ‘no’ is so great that he says it even when he actually wants more. To their credit, his parents are encouraging him to notice and express himself. Of course, when it’s time to stop rolling the recycling bin around the driveway and come in for dinner, even his granddad will not be swayed by his plaintive ‘no’s’ and he will not get his way.

This little person is learning to chart his own inner world and also learning that he is not ruler of the universe. I suppose this is our life-long lesson as adults. It’s easy to forget either side of this equation. When I’m feeling helpless and stuck, I’m tempted to shut down and ignore awareness of my inner world. ‘Since I’m not ruler of the universe, why should I care about anything? No one cares how I feel, so why bother?’ It sounds silly when I write it, but we are all tempted to shut down and cut ourselves off from the richness and urgency of our inner lives when we don’t get our way or when things feel overwhelming.

This shutting down take many forms. One of the most insidious (and socially acceptable) forms of shutting down to what is most important is busyness. When we are busy with they myriad things of our lives, we avoid our responsibility to notice and align our lives with what is most important. Hence Block’s first question: What refusal have I been postponing?

When everything is equal, we lose ourselves in the endless storm of external demands. In the busyness and turmoil of it all we rush from one thing to the next and there is no time to think (or feel) what it is we truly want. So one way into the process of acting on what matters is to begin to say ‘no.’ Until we claim our power to say ‘no’, we cannot say ‘yes.’

Personal Practice: Find some way today to practice disobedience to the rules you have made up for yourself in order to allow yourself the space for something that is wanting to be known.  What is one thing you could say ‘no’ to today that would give you more space to do something you have been wanting to do? It doesn’t have to be a big ‘no’, any old ‘no’ will do. This is just practice.