Locating the Source of the Problem

One frequent interaction on Zoom, is dedicated to determining the source of audio problems. It often goes like this: ‘Can you hear me? Can you hear me? You seem to be muted, check the lower left-hand corner of your screen.’ I repeat this, sometimes raising my voice to make sure you can hear, until the answer is ‘Yes’. The interesting problem that sometimes becomes apparent is that the person asking ‘Can you hear me?’ often assumes that they are merely helping someone else when the problem is as likely to be with them as with the person they are ‘helping.’

Let me explain. If my audio transmission is not working, when I say ‘Can you hear me?’ and you don’t respond, I often assume that, since I can hear myself clearly, the problem must be with you. So when I see your lips moving I assume you are struggling with your problem, rather than trying to give me information that might actually be helpful to me. The same is true if my audio reception is not working. I speak to you, you hear me but I can’t hear your response to me. I can still easily assume I am fine and the problem is on your end. Though these erroneous assumptions are usually cleared up fairly quickly and sometimes humorously on zoom, they are more challenging over email and in real life.

When I send an email, I assume that you received it, that you read it and that the meaning that was in my mind when I wrote it is accurately conveyed to you. So when you respond (or don’t) I interpret your response from the place of these mostly unconscious assumptions. My first assumption, that you received the message is likely true, though difficulties in Internet connection and hardware problems can arise with no awareness on my part (or yours for that matter). My second assumption, that you actually read the message I sent, is true or not based on your reading habits and other immediate factors in your life that I have no way of knowing. My third assumption is the most problematic and the most difficult to remember; I (mostly unconsciously) assume that when you read my email, you understood what I had in my mind when I wrote it. This is rarely true.

As we all know, these assumptions give rise to endless problems on email that can lead to wild reactionary statements on both sides. The polarization and amplification arises not from any intention but merely from the inherent structural problems in both the medium of email and the challenges of human communication.

These problematic assumptions of communication are present in person as well. But when we are more immediate in giving and receiving messages, we have a better opportunity to discern errors in delivery and reception and correct them immediately. Zoom and phone are better than email. In person is best of all. Because the closer we are to each other, the more information I get about the impact of my words and intentions on you.

I may think I’m merely making a helpful suggestion but when you respond with defensiveness or silence, I can deduce that something is off. Perhaps I didn’t communicate clearly or maybe I communicated more than I was aware of. Maybe something I said touched something in you (or between us) that we need to deal with. Or something else. In person, there is so much more feedback about the process of communication itself and we have the opportunity to learn something new in the moment itself.

As I think about this now, it even seems to me that communication is mostly about the problems that arise in the process of communication. Though I usually think I’m communicating clearly and with kindness, it turns out that I’m rarely saying what I think I’m saying. Like everyone else, much of what motivates me is hidden from me. Exploring problems in communication allows me to uncover genuinely useful information about myself. Though these unconscious parts of myself can be deeply embarrassing, they are also a genuine opportunity to grow in love and understanding.

So the moral of this morning is to begin to assume that whatever communication problem arises is as likely to be on my side as on yours. And since I have much more access to my side, if I remember to look there first, I’m much more likely to solve the problem and actually learn something new as well.