How We Cope: Traversing the Many Realms

Since the election, I have had many conversations with friends, colleagues and strangers about how we are all coping with the shock of the election results.

(It’s quite revealing about my life and the tribal segregation of our country that, to date, I have not yet had even one conversation with someone who has told me they voted for Trump. So I am writing for those of us whose worldview was upended on 11/9 when the election results were confirmed.)

Today, I want to report the obvious. All of us are dealing with our shock, grief and loss in a different way. I want to affirm that, aside from obviously self-destructive behaviors, however you are dealing with the election is how you should be dealing with the election.

Here’s my partial list of time-tested methods that support human beings coping with loss that you may find familiar:

Denial is an expression our wonderful human capacity to turn away from something that is overwhelming. We stop watching the news and refuse to enter the endless conversations about what happened and what will happen. This turning away can allow us to go on with the necessary and comforting rhythms of our life and to deal with the trauma in our own time and in our own way.

Grief is the beating of the shattered heart—a place of deep sadness. We know we have lost something that cannot be retrieved. Some of us wail and cry, others simply feel the depth of the loss with dry eyes. Some of us need to be in the presence of others to be safe enough to feel this depth of pain while others need to be alone. In this territory of raw intensity, we meet and feel the overwhelming thoughts and emotions.

Confusion is the place where our world no longer makes sense. Like being in the middle of a thick fog, we look around and can’t find any familiar points of reference. We feel groundless and uncertain. We may feel the urge to panic—to run toward some kind of certainty.

Anger is an arousal of strong emotion. We rage against what has happened. We are certain in our perceptions and often look for someone to blame. This must be the fault of someone—ourselves, others, God—anyone will do. This an important and potentially valuable energy. Anger can fuel extraordinary action.   The intensity and certainty of anger can also cause us to lash out and intensify the conflict.

Depression is a dark place of low energy. We feel hopeless and often without impulse to do anything. Why bother? Though we may know there are reasons to be hopeful, those reasons don’t touch the certainty of our hopelessness. Depression can be a huge problem is we get stuck here, but is also a natural and necessary break from the world. The disconnection of this place can be a place for our biological organism to regroup and find the strength to re-emerge at a later time.

Action is another form of arousal. We take stock of what is happening, and we feel the impulse to DO something. We have conversations, we send emails, we go to rallies. This different from the place of ‘I should do something.’ In this state, we feel aligned with our deep values and our action is an expression of our love and our deep values.

It’s easy for many of us to imagine there is some way we should be feeling or that there is some path through these many territories that will be neat and sequential. I don’t find this to be true. Over the past nine days since the results were announced, I find myself cycling through all these and many more states. All are healthy, normal and wise.

It may, however, be helpful to be aware what state you are in at any moment. Many of these places feel strange and uncomfortable. That’s OK. Knowing they are a part of a larger process of healing can allow us to abide where we are without having to force ourselves (or others) to be different than we are. In this way, we can support the natural range of our human experience and move toward uncovering the path that is right for us as we move deeper into the mysterious unfolding of our lives.