Between Apathy and Apoplexy

I have been avoiding thinking about politics recently, happy that we have a President who shares my views on general reality as well as on the necessity of government action to protect us from the worst aspects of our capitalistic system of individualism, accumulation and objectification. I am pleased that the former guy is not dominating the headlines and is not speaking and acting as the head of my country. I am spending less time reading the headlines and being outraged and more time considering whether the Patriots’ new draft calss will be relevant again in next fall’s football season.

The other day, I was with some friends who had CNN playing on their TV. It was surprisingly unpleasant to listen as the anchors do their best to gin up our outrage over the way some other people were behaving. The behavior they were reporting was indeed in poor taste, but CNN was clearly doing their best to rouse a particular emotionally reaction in us, the watchers. I could feel my latent outrage at ‘those’ people begin to rise again and asked my hosts if we could turn the TV off. They were getting pulled in too, and were happy, once I suggest it, to turn their attention elsewhere.

I don’t miss being outraged, but have not yet found the middle way between apathy and apoplexy. What is the third way that is not merely a watered down version of the two or simply swinging between the extremes? How do I stay engaged in the ongoing generational fight for equal rights for people of color? For the protection of our environment from the predations of industry? For the protection of the poorest from exploitation by the richest?

The polarization of our country between red and blue, is ongoing. Our former President continues peddling the big lie that the election was stolen and congressional Republicans are, for the most part, continuing to support this pernicious fiction. Liz Cheney, one of the visible exceptions, is encouraging the Republican party to separate from the cult of Trump, but she appears to be on the verge of being deposed by her fellow Republican members of the House. Republican controlled legislatures throughout the country have proposed a raft of legislative proposals that would limit access to voting in ways that would have disproportionate impact on low income voters and voters of color.

We are just four months out from the storming of the Capitol by the crowd egged on by our formerly sitting President after he had spent months doing everything possible to undercut the peaceful transition of power which has been a hallmark and bragging point of our democracy. Bidden’s focus on action to combat COVID-19 and to reduce the income gap, to protect the environment, and provide equal opportunity for all has been a welcome change from Trump’s glorification of greed and his constant stoking of fear and outrage at ‘those others’.

My hope is that Bidden will continue to take strong action to level the playing field and that the practical impact of his actions will touch the majority of Americans and thereby undermine the power of the lies of the far right. FDR too was opposed by wealthy industrialists and others who saw his proposals to create jobs and use the power of the government to reign in the excesses of capitalism as a certain recipe for national decline. In retrospect we can see that just the opposite happened.

But, I remind myself that we are not out of the woods*. We must stay engaged to lend our active support to the leaders both in politics and in our neighborhoods that are willing and able to help us move toward a culture that honors the worth and dignity of all.

* I also remind myself that I generally like being in the woods and we should all continue to spend time wandering among the trees alone and with friends whenever possible.

Right Here

Leaves flutter on the trees outside my window. Through the closed window, the low roar of rushing civilization in the far distance comes to my ears. This quiet early morning I remain steadfastly committed to doing less and less, even in the middle of the activity of my life.

At some place in the bible, it says ‘You should love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength’. At one point in my life I assumed that this was a literal command, so I broke up with my girlfriend—telling her that I could only have one true love at a time—to spend the summer growing a beard while looking for God (hitchhiking and camping) in Minnesota and Montana. Karma, destiny, or random chance propelled me through many diverse adventures to the doors of a small Vivekananda monastery near the shores of Lake Michigan. After a week of early morning and evening prayer and daily hard work with the mostly young brothers who were there, I was almost ready to sign up.

Vivekananda was a Hindu teacher, one of Ramakrishna’s main disciples. He attended the 1893 Parliament of World Religions in Chicago and was a great popularizer of Hinduism in the West and a great believer in the unity of all religions. From my brief time at the monastery, I remember three tenants: 1) our basic nature is divine, 2) the goal of this life is to realize that divinity, and 3) there are many paths (religions) toward that goal. It was the perfect path for an enthusiastic Presbyterian minister’s son who had been gently radicalized by the fringes of the ‘peace and love’ movement in the ’60s, touched by some depth of feeling through living in Japan for a year, influenced by a Marxist professor’s interpretation of Jesus’ anti-establishment message of liberation, and had had a personal experience of oneness on an LSD trip that the Christian ministers and priests he encountered did not seem to understand.

I felt at home with the rag-tag mix of mystics and drop-outs I encountered at the apple-farm monastery. I knew in my heart that this seeking of God, no matter what we call her, is the most important thing in this life. But I also knew that I was afraid to return to my ‘ordinary life’ and, being somewhat of a purist, decided that fear of the ‘real world’ was not a good reason to cloister myself. I returned to college for a wild senior year that involved a series of challenges (including multiple girlfriends) about how to integrate my glimpse of oneness into the complexity and ambiguity of daily life.

I found little support from spiritual teachers that year. My biggest teacher was someone I never met: anthropologist Joseph Campbell. His book, HERO WITH A THOUSAND FACES, was given to me by a sympathetic, agnostic Jewish professor of sociology. The main teaching I took from Campbell, aside from his agreement with Vivekananda’s position on multiple authentic paths, was his observation that the hero’s journey is not complete until he comes down from the top of the mountain, back into daily life. The hero’s job is to bring the gift of her vision of God/Dharma/Life back to everyone through integrating what she has experienced into her everyday life.

It’s hard to leave the mountaintop, but since it’s impossible to stay, we don’t really have much choice. I have drifted away from my initial affiliation with the Christian church, but remain deeply inspired and touched by authentic Judeo-Christian teachings. When Jesus encourages us to be ‘in the world but not of it’, I hear him speaking to me. Separating myself from the world has never been my path, something about the challenge of the complexity of it all has seemed to be the point.

So, once again this morning, I vow to remember that the one most important thing is life itself. Through all the activity of daily life, the unnamable source of life itself is present. Getting things done is just a wonderful game we humans have invented to order to pass the time. May each thing I do today be an expression of my love and gratitude for the impossible miracle of just being alive.

New Work

Abandoning the pointed lance
of their winter darkness,
the beech leaves leap
quietly into plain view—
still small and feathery
as they commence
their mighty seasonal
work of nourishment.

Foundation Plantings

I think it was Tolstoy who dreamed of many lives woven into one—farmer in the morning, artist in the afternoon and philosopher in the evening. In Zen we advocate another version of this integrated life—to meet everything that comes, from dirty dishes to the electric bill to the late spring daffodils, with full attention and appreciation.  Yesterday, I had the chance to practice.

In between being with coaching clients and Zen students, I was outside arranging and planting the ‘foundation plants’ I bought: a small weeping Japanese maple, a wonderfully fragrant Korean spice viburnum, a dark-leafed pink azalea and a robust three-foot tall roseum elegans rhododendron topped with buds the size of pine cones. I bought them from Hank at the local nursery with one arrangement in mind, then allowed the future composition to shift as I contemplated the space and imagined the full-grown plants.

Planting a garden is about imagining the future. How will this small seedling look in mid-summer when it is blooming? Is it short or tall? What colors and textures will it bring to this area of the garden? What else around it will be blooming or past? Some people do this in an organized way, with lots of research and a carefully crafted garden plans and drawings. I’m more a seat-of-the-pants kind of guy and have learned to trust my intuition.

In life-coach training I learned that ‘intuition is always right–but sometimes only 5%.’ Just because I have a gut feeling about something doesn’t mean that what I imagine is actually going on or going to happen. But when I have that intuitive sense, it does mean that something is going on and going to happen. Acting on our intuitions as provisional truth leads us to learn more. Sometimes it is necessary to be 95% wrong to get to what is really happening. It may be awkward and embarrassing, but it can be quite useful.

With the garden (as with life) I often think it is better to make a pretty good decision than it is to try to make a perfect decision. Life offers us multiple possibilities at every moment and each possibility leads us into the fullness of our life. Some possibilities may lead to smoother outcomes that are more in line with our hopes and dreams, but even the decisions we make that get us into trouble and cause conflict are also true and necessary.

In the garden, sometimes I place the plant in exactly the right place. Other times the plants I place have to be moved again and again before they find their best place. And sometimes, they don’t even survive my intuitive decisions. But each place is exactly the right place and leads to the garden of the future and, hopefully, improves the mind and wisdom of the gardener of the present.

Wendell Berry says, in one of his wonderful poems, that the job of the farmer is not just growing the crops, but also enriching the soil and cultivating the farmer’s mind.

As I dig the larger hole for the lovely budded rhododendron, I note there are no worms in the recently filled soil around the new foundation. I work in some organic matter and say a silent blessing that this soil may, over time, be a nutritious home to worms, bugs and all kinds of fungus to support the plants—as well as for these wondrous plants that will be the backbone of my garden for years to come. I look forward to watching and working with the results of my intuitive decision and vow to keep learning and appreciating.

Dreaming of Danger

Dreaming of Danger

I was chased through the night by men from a homeschooling cult that called itself the Church of the Latter-Day Saints. (No relation, except in my mind, to the LDS religion or to homeschoolers I know in the real world.)

I had been invited to present to their community at the large compound where many of them lived in northern New York. My presentation went well, but after I talked I began to notice people shying away from me and I got the sense that I had said or done something that was quite wrong in their eyes. After several conversations about working out my return transportation schedule, I realized that they were doing everything they could to keep me there in the compound. They came up with one excuse after excuse as to why my departure had to be delayed. I was getting increasingly anxious and scared as I tried to work out how to get home.

Finally, they agreed to let me go, but the only vehicle they would give me was a rolling cart—like the big flat ones they have at Home Depot or a little like the one I used last week to move my parents into their new more assisted living arrangement. (Upon arriving, they both had to wear an anklet tracking device for the first three days, and then, they were told, it would be ‘evaluated’.) I could push the cart in my dream and hop on and ride for five or ten feet, but then I had to get off and push it again. I figured it would take me a long time to go the hundreds of miles back to Worcester. My fear, in the dream, was that they would let me go then send some guys to beat me up and leave me to die once I was well off the property—and then deny having any involvement in my disappearance. I began making plans for ditching the cart when I got a few miles down the road—hiding it and taking to the woods to find another way home.

(I listened to the book HOMELAND ELEGIES on my recent trip to Philadelphia. Beautifully written and narrated by Ayad Akhtar, the book gives a visceral sense of the suspicion and malevolence that has been directed at many Muslims in the decades since 9/11. His love for his homeland America as well as his confusion, helplessness, and rage are vividly portrayed in this semi-fictional autobiographical novel.)

My dream went on and on and my fear and anxiety kept ramping up. I partially woke several times through the night, aware that I was dreaming and wanting to change or escape the dream, only to fall asleep and into the same dream again and again. Dream-walking through unfamiliar territory, I came to a house and knocked on the door to ask for help. A woman who was on the board of a school where I worked came and invited me in. She too was a homeschooler with a huge family of children ranging from little ones to teenagers. I thought she could help me, but I was only partially right.

She made me breakfast and I did my best to engage the many children in conversation about their lives and interests. One teenage boy who was clearly a daredevil and troublemaker wanted to be sure to show me the terrible scar he had on his shoulder from one of his adventures. My friend, the mother, was about to leave with the girls when I asked if she was going toward Worcester and if I could have a ride. She said, no, she wasn’t going toward Worcester, but then relented and said she would take me anyway.

The father and all the boys quickly left the house, ostensibly to go to work. As the mother shepherded the girls upstairs in the homemade plaster house, I told them about how much I loved my two younger sisters growing up and how much I enjoyed playing with them and taking care of them when they were young. I was desperately trying to prove I was not a danger but knew it was futile and that the father and his friends and the boys would come back to get me soon.

I tried desperately to wake up, but could not. Men were now coming in the front door and I knew others were waiting for me out back as well. It was over. I woke myself up enough to know I needed a Deus Ex Machina ending to save myself. I imagined a helicopter descending to rescue me and realized that my friend, the board member and mother could have known this was happening and have called the authorities who would come to arrest the vengeful men and save me from death. I was working out how the police would be able to charge the men with assault if they hadn’t beaten me up when I woke up completely.