No Need to Panic

Sometimes meaning slips away
without prior arrangement and
I am left exposed once again.

The tattered clothes of habit
refuse to cover the nakedness
of my inner darker confusions.

Left alone to my own devices,
without access to the familiar
landscape of routine, my constructed

world reveals itself insubstantial.
I want to run for the hills or dash
for the door or cry for help—

but the terrain is jumbled
and my voice has already fled.
I am not very brave. I am prone

to faint at the sight of syringes
and blood. I have very little tolerance
for pain and always ask for extra Novocain

at the dentist’s office. But I’ve been
here before and I remember a thing
or two. So I lay low and give up hope

of anything else. Tossed and swirled by
my fears and sure that no good will ever re-emerge,
I go along for the ride as best I can. Only this.

Only this now. Maybe breathing is
the only true work we can ever know.
Maybe there is no need to panic.

Time With an Old Friend

Having run out of options,
I give myself permission
to be tired and unuseful.

I surrender to the brown
couch and repeatedly read
the many versions of Mary Oliver’s
one poem of appreciation.

I dreamily wonder if life
could possibly be
made as she claims—
for such easy delight.

If so, what about
the fierce intention that
brought these lovely
poems into the world?

Smiling at my
relentless complaint,
I dog-ear the best
for future remembering.

Snowy Considerations

Tuesday morning. The storm has mostly blown through. In the early darkness a few neighborhood snowblowers begin their happily ferocious roar. The snowplows that have been scraping the streets all night are quiet for the moment and the accumulation of the past 18 hours has ceased. The wind continues, but the worst/best is past. I sip my morning tea and appreciate the warmth of my laptop on my lap as I tap away on the black keys—writing and preparing for meditation, breakfast and then a morning of snow removal.

I did go out briefly last night around eight to have a small adventure and to perhaps do some initial clearing. By that time about eight inches had fallen. I easily cleared the backstairs—the snow was light and fluffy. I then wandered across the wind-swept parking like an arctic explorer treading over vast white expanses. At the street, I paused to assess the situation and to make my official-snow-removal-guy assessment. There’s a certain self-importance that comes with these practical jobs. Perhaps it is our innate desire to be useful or perhaps it’s that so much of what we do is hard to measure and snow removal is a job with a clear and satisfying end-point. With the strong winds and the continuing-through-the-night forecast, I decided to ‘keep my powder dry’ and wait till the morning.

Snow removal in New England is an art and a science. Shovel too early and you waste valuable energy and time. Wait too long and the drifts get soggy or frozen or simply too high to penetrate. The solution for the city snowplows is simply to go through the night. Worcester (unofficial snow-capital of Massachusetts) owns a fleet of snow removal vehicles driven by city workers and also relies on a militia of independent drivers, guys (there must be some women who are in the business, but I have yet to see one) with pick-up trucks and snowplows, to clear the miles of city streets.

It’s been a quiet winter for these snowplow drivers. It’s a seasonal business with no guarantee of steady or even adequate income. You’ve got to be willing to go out at all hours and keep going. To be able to stay in the business, you’ve need enough regular customers that you maximize your income but few enough that you can get to them all in a timely manner. A delicate balance.

But I’m just an amateur and have the luxury of waiting till later. I looked out the back door when I got up at 5:30. I was pleased to see that the small shoveling I did on the back stairs was completely filled in with the wind and the overnight snow. This validated my decision to wait and also meant the temperatures had not risen to the wet-heavy-snow range so the shoveling and the blowing later on this morning should not be too difficult.

I am happy to have these considerations. I am blessed to have the (new!) snow-blower and the physical constitution to still be able to perform this necessary winter ritual. So after I finish my tea and after meditation and after breakfast, I will gear up and tromp out to fulfill my important responsibilities. Such is the shape of the good life this morning.

100% Snowfall

The storm has begun. Up from DC, Baltimore and NYC; the snow has begun to fall. The latest predictions call for 9 to 15 inches before it passes out to sea tomorrow morning. A white day. A snowy day. Memories arise of assembling a pile of books and some hot chocolate along with a blanket and a young daughter to sit by the sliding doors to the porch and watch the snow fall. We were safely snuggled and inspired by the water-color pictures of Miss Rumphius planting her blue, purple and pink lupine as we watched the porch slowly disappear under fluffy mounds. Over a quarter century later, I am still warmed and delighted by that one white morning.

Now having another young friend who’s almost two, I’m amazed again at the life-giving properties of very young people. As a child, I was sure that I was just waiting to become an adult for real life to begin. I thought being a child meant being only a partial being—someone who was limited by physical, emotional and mental immaturity. But now that I’m nearing the end of my 7^th decade on this planet, I’m much more aware of the equality of it all.

Of course there is little and big, young and old, strong and weak, more able and less able. But looming much larger is the beingness of it all and some mysterious exact intertwinkling necessity of each and all. As living beings, we are always limited, dependent and contingent. Even a person at the ‘height of their powers’ cannot jump over tall buildings nor survive without food and shelter, nor exist except within the interactive support of sun, earth, water, plants, stars, stray dogs and mosquitoes. Limitation is not a limitation, it is life itself.

In some ungraspable way, we are, each one of us, a part of it all—perfectly arising beyond our intentions and plans, perfectly manifesting ourselves in each moment, and perfectly passing away at some appointed and unknown time. In each moment, from our first breath to our last (and I have had the privilege to be present with others both in the arriving and the departing) we are 100% full of life. 100% living into the circumstances of our life. Even resisting and complaining and wishing it were otherwise is 100% too. Beyond measure.

Yesterday I walked with a friend beside a partially frozen river yesterday where geese swam easily in the water that would quickly kill either one of us. We, for our part, did our best to resolve the great issues of life-and-death, meaning-and-purpose, red-and-blue. We didn’t get very far, but we did arrive at the realization that measuring is irrelevant to the most important things in life. While there are innumerable and fierce measures that are pressed upon us from the earliest ages, many of which become an unthinking part of our constant self-evaluations—none of them can measure life, nor tell us what we should do.

Buddha spoke of the eight worldly winds: prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure. We are all subject to these dynamic, erratic and unavoidable conditions. His teaching was that it is our attachment or aversion to the coming and going of these conditions that causes our suffering. Prosperity comes and we feel good. Decline comes and we feel bad. When we allow ourselves to participate in whatever condition arises, we can appreciate the fullness of our unlimited conditional lives.

So I appreciate the perfect ‘help’ of my two-year-old friend when we wash the dishes together and am honored to help him change his soaking shirt after we tire of our chores. He is 100% full of life though he does sometimes seem to leave me at about 30% as I do my best to keep up with him. Nothing lacking on either side. Exhaustion is 100%. Squealing and jumping up and down is 100%.

As the snow falls today, the little ones of past and present are here with me. We are all playing and working and struggling and delighting as best we can. May we all today appreciate the whole miraculous catastrophe of our 100% life—in whatever form it may appear.

On the Frozen Lake

When the mass of doubt is shattered amidst all the particulars, one thing covers the blue sky. (Taego Bowu 14th century Korean Zen Master)

On the frozen lake,
snow sparkles and
crunches under our feet.

Four old friends still
out walking on ice
under the vast azure dome.

Both/And

I’m up to Step Six in my Equipping Anti-Racism Allies Bootcamp Training. (A program of thirty self-paced steps toward engaging with racial skeptics who think discrimination is as much a problem for white people as for black people in order to invite them to consider new perspectives.) So far, I’m quite impressed with the curriculum and am learning a lot. What I’m learning, however, is not so much about any ‘other’ people, but about me.

I’ve seen how reactive I can be when someone gets angry and accuses me of hurtful actions. I’ve noticed of how my preference for confluence and calm leads me to unconsciously and continuously avoid conversations and situations that might lead to disturbance. I’ve become more conscious of how my social circle (pandemicly limited though it is) is filled with people who mostly have similar educational backgrounds, skin color, incomes and world views. And I’ve been thinking a lot and even practicing communicating across the boundaries of ‘otherness.’

These boundaries of otherness are encoded both in institutional structures and in the human consciousness that we all share. Institutional patterns of education, work, socializing and access to resources all reinforce the ideas of difference that led to their creation. At every point and in every place, human societies have valued some people more than others. In every group that gathers, there are power relationships—there are leaders and followers, bosses and workers. There are those who are listened to and those who are not heard. Even so-called egalitarian groups create subtle hierarchies of power and meaning.

These structures of power and hierarchy are unavoidable and even useful. The problem is when we begin to think they are an expression of some kind of ‘natural order’ rather than a temporary and fluid expression of human interaction.

But the deepest level of division is the division between self and the world. Our human consciousness arises out of the capacity to make this distinction. This separation creates enormous opportunities for imagination and creativity. It is one of the primary gifts of human beings but the cost is enormous and the confusion created is endless. Unlike the plants and trees, the dogs and fishes, we mostly live in the delusion of our separation, one from another and each from the universe. This delusion creates great pain and causes us to act in ways that are hurtful to ourselves, each other and our environment.

When we look closely, however, we can see that this idea of separation is not true. There is no such thing as an ‘individual’ human being. We only arise and survive in relationship with each other. We are intimately intertwined with the world we life in. The sun, the earth, the air, the water are all part of us and there is no human life possible without everything that is around us. We are merely waves on the great ocean. We momentarily appear, make our wet complaints of separation, and then fall back into the vast water we were never separate from.

I feel rather inadequate and unclear as I try to tease out these ideas and connections. I suppose the main thing I am trying to say is that the ‘problem’ of division is one we can (and should) work on at every level – internally, with our families and friends, with those across the political, racial and ideological spectrum. Our partners and friends are fundamentally as much a mystery to us as the person who voted for the other Presidential candidate or holds other views of how race operates in our society.

My ongoing practice is to tolerate and even appreciate difference and disagreement wherever I encounter it. I vow to continue doing the internal work to bear my own fears and reactivity even as I take concrete actions in the world. This includes listening and appreciating others at the same time as standing up for what I believe, even with people who strongly hold opposing positions.

Both/And rather than Either/Or.

Appreciating Energy Efficiency on a Cold Morning

When we replaced the boiler for the hot water heating system here in the Temple ten years ago, we were amazed. The old boiler took up half the furnace room while the new boiler was a small white box that hung on the wall. The old boiler kept 60 gallons of water hot and ready to push through the radiators as needed. The new boiler, when signaled, simply raises the temperature of water running through it by ten degrees. The new boiler also vents directly to the side of the building because the exhaust from the heating process is not hot enough to make it all the way up the chimney. We were told the new boiler has a 90% efficiency rating—that 90% of the energy in the gas used to power it goes to heating the water rather than to heating the furnace room or the exhaust that goes out the top.

I’m thinking of all this because the kitchen thermometer reports the temperature outside is below zero. This particular measuring device is, however, rather dramatic. Attached to a thermostat on a western wall, on summer afternoons it often registers temperatures well above 100 degrees when the local weather stations claim it’s closer to the high 80’s. But I like the kitchen thermometer because it makes life more interesting. I come from a long line of minimizers. My natural tendency is to describe things as being as close to the usual as possible. I’m not sure whether this is from my desire to keep everything under control or simply to not let my words cause more difficulty than the situation itself already holds.

But this morning, even the weather stations are reporting temperatures in the single digits and wind-chills well below zero. And yet, here in the room where I write on the second floor of the Temple, it’s toasty warm. Our little white box on the wall that takes small steps, heats this large building—this large mostly vacant building. We haven’t had a residential retreat here since last January nor gathered for meditation since March 13th. The third floor is closed off and unheated, slowly gathering dust, as is a portion of the second floor. The lower floor, the ‘men’s dorm’, is chilly too, and the vinyl flooring is even starting to buckle in some places without the regular intermittent padding of stocking feet.

I’m reminded of the huge white house we lived in when I was four. My father, having finished seminary, had just accepted his first placement as a Presbyterian minister. The church owned the house where the minister and his family lived which was right across the driveway from an impressive (to a four-year-old) church building. We were only there for two or three years but my first memories are set in the rooms of that church manse.

One room on the ground floor, to the right of the front door, was never heated in the winter, and I remember one Sunday morning my brother and I put on our winter coats and hats to watch the test pattern on the small black and white TV while waiting for ‘Highway Patrol’ to come on. I didn’t understand why the room was so cold, but I was glad for the warmth of my jacket and the symmetry of the test pattern. (Interestingly, when I returned to drive by my old stomping grounds in my early 20’s, the house and the church were much smaller and more modest than I had remembered.)

This past week, Joe Biden has released a raft of executive orders about the environment. Following through on remarks from his inauguration address, he is taking climate change as the existential threat it is to our country and to the whole world. Biden’s directives are designed to roll back the directives of our previous President who did much to undo the environmental protections for the easier exploitation of the earth for profit. In announcing these executive orders, Biden both acknowledged the hard stuff and called us to the opportunity of the challenge. I’m beginning to see that this is his style—this is how he sees the world.

It’s a future of enormous hope and opportunity.  It’s about coming to the moment to deal with this maximum threat that we — that’s now facing us — climate change — with a greater sense of urgency.  In my view, we’ve already waited too long to deal with this climate crisis and we can’t wait any longer.  We see it with our own eyes, we feel it, we know it in our bones, and it’s time to act. 

While I know that Biden’s Presidency has aroused many fears in some of my conservative friends, I hope that his words and his actions will relieve some of the anxiety. As far as I know there will be no ‘re-education camps’ for Trump supporters as reported in some of the far-right media. Nor will we soon resemble the social democracies of Scandinavia. (Though those countries do report some of the highest level of happiness in the world.) But Biden is acting to lead the country to face the crises of climate change, economic inequality and racial injustice. We can and should have debates about how best to do this, but the direction is clear and urgent.

This morning, I am grateful for the warm room that protects me, for the leadership of a new President who is willing to tell the truth and for the challenge of these times which requires me to keep learning, risking and growing.

Feeling Less Than Inspired

The clock ticks. I close my eyes. A small headache and slight nausea. Not terrible, but not pleasant. I feel unmotivated and unclear. Nothing comes to mind as I sit with laptop open to write. An inner dialogue of complaint and worry natters on just beneath the surface: “I don’t like feeling like this. This might be something serious, why can’t I just feel fine? Maybe I should just go back to bed.  I feel crappy.”

How do we find our way through the times when we feel less than stellar? When we lose our energy? When we lose our connection to what inspires us? Sometimes its quite clear what needs to be done—what needs to be said and I excitedly follow along. (A good friend has, on more than one occasion, accused me of being like a golden retriever puppy. The first time they said this, I was upset and offended with the indignity of the image, but over the years I have come to realize the truth and the gift of this kind of presentation of life.)

Other times, like right now, I feel lost and uncertain. They physical discomfort is not as troubling as the loss of purpose and direction. Many decades ago, I remember going through a long period of this kind of darkness. At the time I came across the words of Meister Eckhart, the medieval Christian mystic who spoke directly to my situation:

To be sure, our mental processes often go wrong, so that we imagine God to have gone away. What should be done then? Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure. Learn to behave thus even in deepest distress and keep yourself that way in any and every estate of life. I can give you no better advice than to find God where you lost him.

As I read this again for the first time so many years later I am struck by two things. Firstly, that in order to write about this, Meister Eckhart himself must have experienced this. He may be speaking to seekers who have come to him for solace, but in his writing I feel an authority and appreciation that only comes with experience. He writes of the times when we are ‘in the deepest distress.’ So even this great exemplar of the holy life whose many words and teachings have come down through the ages—even the famous Meister Eckhart traveled these dark roads.

I find great comfort in knowing I am not alone. Though I am sometimes embarrassed to write again and again about the dark regions and the struggles that are part of my life, they are real and true even as they are ephemeral and not what they seem. I share these experiences too out of my commitment to present life as it is rather than life as I think it should be or life as someone else has said it is. Some have reported back that it is in reading about my struggles that they too have felt comfort in knowing they are not alone.

The other teaching I get from this brief passage is the advice ‘to find God where you lost him.’

(Side note for Buddhists, Atheists, non-Judeo-Christians and others who struggle with ‘God’: please replace ‘God’ with whatever term is filled with mystery and points to something beyond that is source of us all. A few of my favorite other place-holders for the mysterious sacred are: Life, the Tao, the Dharma, Aliveness, the Universe, the Heart of Hearts, the True Way. But for the sake of ease in writing I will simply join with Meister Eckhart’s convention and to use the word ‘God’ to point to what cannot be truly spoken.)

So, in this moment, I feel as if I have lost God—lost my way. Meister Eckhart is clear to mention that this feeling of abandonment is not because we have been abandoned by life, by God but rather because our ‘mental processes’ have gone wrong. I believe this is what is known in the 12-step programs as ‘stinkin’ thinkin’’ – the unreliability of our cognitive processes to lead the way.

To ‘find God where you lost him’ is an encouragement to stay right where we are—right in the middle of darkness or despair or even in the middle of slight headache and nausea. There is no need to run off somewhere else—no need to try to feel better or even to change to a better frame of mind. This is an affirmation of the sacredness of every place. Moods and states of health come and go, but what is most essential, the presence of God, the availability of life itself is always here.

Meister Eckhart also said: ‘Expect God equally in all things.’ And as I put it many years ago and now use as the inspiring quote beneath my signature on email: ‘What we long for is always present, hiding in plain sight.’

So here I am—still feeling kind of crappy. Apparently, the teaching for today is that everything else (whatever we call it) is also here with me (and you.) My advice for us all is to do nothing. Maybe if we slow down enough we can allow ourselves to be found once again by that which has never left.

White Lumps Where the Cars Once Were

The cars in the parking lot across the street are covered in snow. Under the streetlights they glisten white like weird and ghostly boulders. Each lump belongs to someone. And each of those someones had a mother and a father and through sheer innate brilliance of body and mind learned to walk, talk and make their way through this human world. Later on this morning, many of these someones will come out and brush their pile of oddly shaped snow fully expecting to find the car that was there last night. Due to laws of inertia, the special properties of water and the speed with which the earth is spinning as it hurtles around our nearest star which we call ‘the sun’, their car will most likely be there—intact and cold.

I marvel at the many lives around me. Though most of them are sleeping, I’m remembering on this dark white morning that they are not just extras in the feature film of my life. Of course they are that too—each one occupies some small space in the world of my mind. The worlds we human beings live in aren’t exactly imaginary, but everything we see and touch and sense and imagine requires our creative participation.

The light from the streetlight bounces off the snow particles resting on each other and on the car. Some of those particles of light (which are also somehow waves) strike and reflect at just the right angle to make their way into my eye where rods and cones are waiting to receive and acknowledge them. (note to self: The angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection – might this mean that what I say about you is equally in some way about me?) It hardly seems there could be enough room for rods and cones in my eyes, but for the moment, I’ll set aside that objection. These supposed rods and cones are quite excited to receive the particles which are also waves. (second note to self: Don’t stop and try to figure everything out or you’ll never get anywhere.) These scores of rods and cones have been designed for just this moment and in their particular white excitement they dance and wiggle and generally have a great time. They are touched and immediately respond by sending tiny bursts of energy along pathways into the dark regions of the brain. The brain which is enclosed in an opaque bony case covered with skin and bathed in a constant flow of blood. In the enclosed and mysterious brain there is no light and no snow, no cars and no someones. But somehow the brain awakens and reflexively responds to create an image of something that is ‘out there’—in this case, white weirdly shaped mounds of snow.

Now this ‘out there’ is what I am designed to dance with. Without ‘out there’ there is no ‘in here’, no me, no perception, no reason, no mounds of snow. But likewise, ‘out there’ is no thing until we meet and touch each other in a thousand unlikely ways. Over the years and through intense early training (thank you Mom and Dad), I have learned to trust the excitements of my eye and even developed a short-hand explanation for the invisibly meshed business of eye and mind and world. I say: ‘I see….’ then go on to fill in some word (filled with a lifetime of meanings and associations) for whatever it is that is reflecting light into my eye and beginning the whole affair once again.

And the whole business of receiving, organizing, associating and naming goes on in the shortest flash of time and is utterly imperceptible to me. Seeing is one of the many processes through which I construct my world and my life in my world without being able to directly experience the creative interchange that is happening. We are all in the construction business but based on the evidence of our experience, we avow innocence. As David Bohm says ‘The mind creates the world, then say ‘I didn’t do it.’

But back to the cold white shapes of snow across the street and to dreaming of other human beings – of other seers and thinkers and imaginers who are now lying in bed or perhaps just waking up to groggily wander toward the bathroom. Each one lives in their own world—the world that touches them—the world that each effortlessly participates in creating.

There are no bit players. Each of us is a swirling universe of sensation and meaning—of hope and fear—of light and dark. Each of us, as Whitman said, contains multitudes and perfectly reflects everything that came before, is here now and will happen.

Perhaps today I can more deeply appreciate the wonder of each other one who crosses my path, brushing snow off their car and driving their separate and intertwined universes to work or to shop or maybe out to the snowy woods for a lovely winter walk.

The Skill of Staying

Unskillfulness, conflict and difficulty are necessary and unavoidable parts of life. The desire to be pure and good and nice can often lead us into realms of isolation and rigidity that diminish our lives beneath a façade of religious and social righteousness. Real life is messy, emergent and participatory—not to mention fun, fascinating and terrifying!

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships the past week as I explore how we might be able to heal some of the deep divides in our country that have been so evident over the past four years. How do we initiate and maintain genuine relationships with people who we see as very different from us? Of course, when we look closely or when we live with another person for any length of time, we often discover that every other human being is very different from us.

One of the primary skills for authentic relationship that I’ve noticed is capacity to stay, even when it gets difficult. Staying does not mean just staying physically, but finding a way to stay engaged, or return to engagement when we have left, while the messy business of life works itself out through us.

I’m less and less impressed with our human agency in working things out. Problem solving, empathy and listening are wonderful and necessary skills, but the real resolution feels like it comes, when it does come, from a more mysterious place. It’s almost like our job is simply to stick around with as much compassion and courage as we can muster while life does what life does. But it’s incredibly challenging to stay in the heat of disagreement long enough to melt down into some new and truer alloy.

Having been in a marriage for many decades now, I can’t tell you the number of times I have found myself in the middle of a difficult place with my partner and felt utterly hopeless against whatever issue was dividing us. There are places we go where it is simply self-evident that there is no way forward—no solution—no resolution possible. But again and again, as we are able to hang out in that place of no resolution with some modicum of goodwill, something shifts. Maybe not right away. Maybe not till after many tears, accusations and realizations, but, if we are resolute and patient, something new emerges.

This is not the same as compromise which is where I give something and you give something and neither one of us is happy but neither one of us is totally disappointed. Sometimes that is necessary – mostly around the small stuff. But in matters of the heart and soul, something more creative is necessary.

Real staying means that I have to show up as my full self and you have to show up as your full self. Trying to take care of the other person by being ‘nice’ turns out to be a barrier that needs to be breached. If I give up myself to try to placate you, then something new is prevented from arising.

So I’m trying to notice what keeps me from showing up as myself—what stops my willingness to express my point of view as valued part of the situation. I’m also working to become more aware of the assumptions about others prevent me from hearing the truth beneath positions and opinions that are strange to me.

I wish to help create a world where we all get to show up as ourselves and are continually willing to release our certainty in service of the emerging life that reveals itself anew through us.