Feeling Less Than Inspired

The clock ticks. I close my eyes. A small headache and slight nausea. Not terrible, but not pleasant. I feel unmotivated and unclear. Nothing comes to mind as I sit with laptop open to write. An inner dialogue of complaint and worry natters on just beneath the surface: “I don’t like feeling like this. This might be something serious, why can’t I just feel fine? Maybe I should just go back to bed.  I feel crappy.”

How do we find our way through the times when we feel less than stellar? When we lose our energy? When we lose our connection to what inspires us? Sometimes its quite clear what needs to be done—what needs to be said and I excitedly follow along. (A good friend has, on more than one occasion, accused me of being like a golden retriever puppy. The first time they said this, I was upset and offended with the indignity of the image, but over the years I have come to realize the truth and the gift of this kind of presentation of life.)

Other times, like right now, I feel lost and uncertain. They physical discomfort is not as troubling as the loss of purpose and direction. Many decades ago, I remember going through a long period of this kind of darkness. At the time I came across the words of Meister Eckhart, the medieval Christian mystic who spoke directly to my situation:

To be sure, our mental processes often go wrong, so that we imagine God to have gone away. What should be done then? Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure. Learn to behave thus even in deepest distress and keep yourself that way in any and every estate of life. I can give you no better advice than to find God where you lost him.

As I read this again for the first time so many years later I am struck by two things. Firstly, that in order to write about this, Meister Eckhart himself must have experienced this. He may be speaking to seekers who have come to him for solace, but in his writing I feel an authority and appreciation that only comes with experience. He writes of the times when we are ‘in the deepest distress.’ So even this great exemplar of the holy life whose many words and teachings have come down through the ages—even the famous Meister Eckhart traveled these dark roads.

I find great comfort in knowing I am not alone. Though I am sometimes embarrassed to write again and again about the dark regions and the struggles that are part of my life, they are real and true even as they are ephemeral and not what they seem. I share these experiences too out of my commitment to present life as it is rather than life as I think it should be or life as someone else has said it is. Some have reported back that it is in reading about my struggles that they too have felt comfort in knowing they are not alone.

The other teaching I get from this brief passage is the advice ‘to find God where you lost him.’

(Side note for Buddhists, Atheists, non-Judeo-Christians and others who struggle with ‘God’: please replace ‘God’ with whatever term is filled with mystery and points to something beyond that is source of us all. A few of my favorite other place-holders for the mysterious sacred are: Life, the Tao, the Dharma, Aliveness, the Universe, the Heart of Hearts, the True Way. But for the sake of ease in writing I will simply join with Meister Eckhart’s convention and to use the word ‘God’ to point to what cannot be truly spoken.)

So, in this moment, I feel as if I have lost God—lost my way. Meister Eckhart is clear to mention that this feeling of abandonment is not because we have been abandoned by life, by God but rather because our ‘mental processes’ have gone wrong. I believe this is what is known in the 12-step programs as ‘stinkin’ thinkin’’ – the unreliability of our cognitive processes to lead the way.

To ‘find God where you lost him’ is an encouragement to stay right where we are—right in the middle of darkness or despair or even in the middle of slight headache and nausea. There is no need to run off somewhere else—no need to try to feel better or even to change to a better frame of mind. This is an affirmation of the sacredness of every place. Moods and states of health come and go, but what is most essential, the presence of God, the availability of life itself is always here.

Meister Eckhart also said: ‘Expect God equally in all things.’ And as I put it many years ago and now use as the inspiring quote beneath my signature on email: ‘What we long for is always present, hiding in plain sight.’

So here I am—still feeling kind of crappy. Apparently, the teaching for today is that everything else (whatever we call it) is also here with me (and you.) My advice for us all is to do nothing. Maybe if we slow down enough we can allow ourselves to be found once again by that which has never left.