Dreaming of Life #2: Fulfillment Is Not A Fixed Point

Yesterday I wrote about the importance of touching some dream or vision that calls to you—about the power of your heart’s dream to transform your experience of the present and to move you into action around things that matter. Today I want to write about the second idea that changed my life from the coaching training* I did in 2003.

Fulfillment is not a fixed point.

The great misunderstanding about the function of dreams of the future is that they operate in linear time. It’s easy to think that I am here and my dream is there. When I get to my dream, then I’ll be fulfilled. Then I’ll be happy. While this how the mind works, it is not how life works.

You may have noticed this yourself. Whenever we say ‘I’ll be happy when….’ and we actually get there or get that thing we were longing for, we find that we’re not completely happy. Or we’re briefly happy, then we’re dreaming of some where, some thing or some one else.

Several studies of happiness have shown that when people achieve major life goals (getting married, getting a major promotion or getting a significant amount of money) they are happier for a short period, then fairly quickly come back to the level of happiness or satisfaction that they were at before the major change.

There was a time when I thought having an ipad Aire would change my life. I resisted buying one for many months, but filled my spare hours learning the models and the specifications – including the weight down to the ounce. Eventually I broke down, went to the Apple store and treated myself. What a gorgeous piece of machinery it indeed was. I was totally delighted for a couple days. Then I was pleased for a couple weeks. Now it sits in the bottom of my drawer and comes out once a week or so and I hardly notice it.

It turns out that fulfillment and happiness are not a destination we can reach and then retire. You can’t have enough money or enough power or enough admiration to quell that nagging sense of unease or that wild despair that sometimes arises. While there can be great satisfaction in using our skills to make a difference in the world—even this satisfaction is short-lived.

Fulfillment is a process not a destination. Fulfillment comes when we act in alignment with our deepest values. Fulfillment is not something that will happen to you at some other point.

This is bad news and good news.

The bad news is that there is nothing you can do or get that will make you permanently happy and fulfilled. Your life will always be the wondrous and frustrating mix of everything that it is right now. Of course there are changes we can make are important and perhaps even necessary.

But the good news is that it is in working toward the life we dream of, for ourselves and for others, we find our fulfillment and joy. When we align our actions with the things that are truly important to us, then we can work with joy and satisfaction right where we are.

This is not just about working toward or reaching goals, this is about being true to the kind of person we want to be in the world. If I value being kind and clear or giving to others, when I actually do these things, I am fulfilled. It doesn’t have to be about being thanked or recognized, the satisfaction is in the action itself.

Personal Practice: Take some time today to remember something important to you. It might be a quality you want to cultivate or it might be an important goal in some area of your life that you want to work toward. It might be some important change you want to make. Remember what’s important and then take one step in that direction today. Notice any resistance that arises. Notice what it’s like when you move in the direction of what you love.