Thanksgiving as Existential Encounter

http://www.theatreinboston.com/saint-joan/940/

A dear friend of mine has written to the host of his traditional Thanksgiving gathering to request that certain family members be disinvited because of their political persuasion. When I suggested the possibility of another approach, I was informed: ‘I’m not ready to forgive the people who took my country from me.’

It’s only day six and the shock, anger and pain are still strong for many of us. But Thanksgiving is coming up and this may mean intimate exposure to ‘those people’—the other half of the country who voted differently from us. What can we do?

Some useful perspectives on this question are offered in a Ted Talk* on the possibility of healing after the election with social psychologist and author Jonathan Haidt. Listening to the talk helped me understand some of the natural human mechanisms underlying the wild polarization now manifesting in our country.

It turns out that humans have a natural tendency toward tribalism. Who knew?

Haidt offered a folk saying for the definition of tribalism: “Me against my brother. My brother and me against our cousins. Me and my cousins against the world.”  Growing up with a brother who was my best friend and occasional mortal enemy, this was a particularly vivid description. One of key factors in how we perceive our world is the size of the circle we draw around our ‘tribe.’

Trump supporters focused on the wisdom a smaller circle—our first duty is to take care of the people already here in America before we let others in. The Clinton supporters are proposing a larger circle—we are all human beings and the world is our tribe, we have a duty to those who didn’t happen to be born in this country.

Another researcher uses the image of a drawbridge. At any moment and on any issue, we can divide people into ‘drawbridge uppers’ and ‘drawbridge downers,’ depending on whether their inclination is to expand the tribe (in good times) or contract the tribe (in times of threat.) Before the election, when I thought my side would win, I was already preparing to let the drawbridge down and reach out to ‘those people’ who would be hurting. Now that I find myself on the side of the ones who are hurting, feeling betrayed and confused, I notice that my first tendency is to want to pull the drawbridge up.

Both the drawbridge uppers and the drawbridge downers are right.

Over this past week, I have found much comfort in being with people ‘like me’—people who voted for Clinton and are angry, sad and uncertain how to proceed. Being in the presence of ‘our tribe’ is one way to feel safe enough to go through the many feelings and thoughts that are here. In the presence of each other, we can begin to make sense of the shock and trauma of a world that we thought we knew that has suddenly changed in profound and disturbing ways.

But if we want to go forward, at some point we will need to reach out to more deeply hear the truth of ‘the others.’ This does not mean giving up our own values and convictions, but rather it requires that we also acknowledge the humanity and wisdom of those people who initially appear to be wholly other.

*thanks to Bob Waldinger for alerting me to this  https://www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_haidt_can_a_divided_america_heal